Sad times

I should have been here - sunbathing, pregnant and eating delicious food

But instead I was here - in pain and eating crappy hospital food

A few months ago (after some military-style trying!) we were over-joyed to discover we were pregnant. After five long years of battling with post-natal depression, a 'challenging' child and no sleep, we finally felt we were ready for child number two so were delighted.

We were so scared about having another baby for all of these reasons but also nervous about the pregnancy itself as we'd had an early missed miscarriage last year (unplanned and definitely not ready). So we booked a private early scan at seven weeks where everything was blessedly ok.

This gave us enough peace of mind to finally let ourselves start making plans for the next six months and beyond. We told a few people as my non-drinking was far too suspicious (!) and their excitement for us fuelled our excitement. A few more weeks until our official 12 week scan and we could properly relax and tell the world.

Just before we were due to go on holiday, I booked another private scan as wanted to be totally sure everything was still progressing ok before we went. I never for one minute actually thought anything was wrong as I felt very pregnant with nausea and bloatedness and my clothes were starting to feel tight. I just wanted reassurance and to see the baby growing healthily on screen.

Chattering away about going on holiday while the lovely sonographer started the scan, her words didn't register at first - "oh Faye, the heart's stopped". At first, I thought she meant my heart for some reason!
I crumpled.
My world collapsed in an instant and all the plans we'd made faded to dust.

The sonographer explained my options and asked me what I wanted to do but I couldn't think straight and didn't really care what the options were as none of them included me still being pregnant and my baby being alive :(

The next day I went to the hospital and was advised I could let things happen naturally or be admitted to have a medically managed miscarriage. I couldn't cope with prolonging things so we decided I should stay in hospital and we'd postpone our holiday.

The hospital and staff were amazing but the experience was horrible. We both felt completely heartbroken and devastated about the loss of our baby that we already loved so much. Telling our families was awful as they didn't even know we were pregnant and we couldn't tell R what was happening as he's still too young to understand.

We did end up getting a last minute flight to join our friends on holiday as felt that was the best place for us to recover and regroup - a peaceful location with best friends around us to help us heal. Times like this make me feel so appreciative of our wonderful family and friends. And of course more than everything, so extremely grateful for our beautiful, funny, clever and caring little boy who, despite being a handful, we love more than anything in the world. I hope he gets to have a little brother or sister one day but maybe it's just not meant to be.

My thoughts go out to everyone who's experienced the loss of a baby or child. It's the worst thing in the world but they will always live on in our hearts.

Raising a spirited child

A friend posted a plea on Facebook today that went something like this -

I honestly don't know what to do with my 2 yr old... And I'm at my wits end. Please does anyone have any advice on dealing with a challenging, demanding, fearless and clearly very bright child who finds mischief and naughtiness any second my back is turned.

I feel like this about little monster most of the time so read the comments with interest - and in the hope that someone had a magical solution for taming a 'spirited' child!

Within the 50-odd comments, other mums with similar children consoled, empathised and offered a shoulder to cry on/ bottle of wine to cry into. No magic solutions but a few people thought it was because she's a girl and/ or a second child. 

As my only child (for a reason!) is a boy and exactly the same, I don't agree with either of these but I do agree, as many suggested, that temperament and will are down to a child's innate personality and genetic make-up. And unfortunately there's not a lot we can do to change any of that so it's ultimately about how we deal with it and try to manage their behaviour. Easier said than done! 

If you've never tried to manage an uncontrollable little monster and stay calm in the face of non-stop noise and naughtiness, let me give you a little insight into what you're missing out on - 

Every morning you're woken by a tiny human dynamo jumping on you and shouting demands in your face. No time to have so much as a leisurely yawn before it's 'Get up Mummy!', 'I want breakfast!' and 'Why aren't you playing with me?!' (because I'm making your breakfast like you asked, you annoying little....!) Forget lie-ins - if you manage to get an undisturbed night's sleep, it's a miracle!

Mealtimes can test the patience of the calmest parent. An un-winnable exercise in negotiation with the rudest, loudest, most obnoxious diner who does nothing but complain, can't sit still, doesn't bother to eat the food and definitely doesn't leave a tip. Repeat exercise three times a day until you go insane and let them have jam sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner because that's the only thing they'll eat.

Trying to do any kind of chore with a little monster in tow is pointless. Every now and then you stupidly forget this fact and delude yourself than popping to the shops will be quick and painless. Don't do it! Remind yourself that the only thing you're ever going to achieve is being embarrassed in public and it always ends with you trying to wrestle a screaming midget home/ to the car without anyone getting hurt.

And finally, when you've had enough and just want some peace and quiet, there's the final challenge of bedtime to get through. None of that snuggling up and reading a story before kissing your sleepy little one on the head and leaving the room. Bedtime with a spirited child is more like trying to get a tiny, crazy drunk person to shut the hell up and go to sleep. 

So to my Facebook friend and everyone else raising a spirited child - I clearly have no useful advice to offer but I hope there's some comfort in knowing you're not alone. 

All we can do is support each other and I assure you - you're doing an amazing job of raising a bright, curious, tenacious, fearless, courageous and confident child. And at the end of the day, just keep telling yourself it'll all be worth it when they become highly successful adults and can look after us in our old age!