But instead I was here - in pain and eating crappy hospital food
A few months ago (after some military-style trying!) we were over-joyed to discover we were pregnant. After five long years of battling with post-natal depression, a 'challenging' child and no sleep, we finally felt we were ready for child number two so were delighted.
We were so scared about having another baby for all of these reasons but also nervous about the pregnancy itself as we'd had an early missed miscarriage last year (unplanned and definitely not ready). So we booked a private early scan at seven weeks where everything was blessedly ok.
This gave us enough peace of mind to finally let ourselves start making plans for the next six months and beyond. We told a few people as my non-drinking was far too suspicious (!) and their excitement for us fuelled our excitement. A few more weeks until our official 12 week scan and we could properly relax and tell the world.
Just before we were due to go on holiday, I booked another private scan as wanted to be totally sure everything was still progressing ok before we went. I never for one minute actually thought anything was wrong as I felt very pregnant with nausea and bloatedness and my clothes were starting to feel tight. I just wanted reassurance and to see the baby growing healthily on screen.
Chattering away about going on holiday while the lovely sonographer started the scan, her words didn't register at first - "oh Faye, the heart's stopped". At first, I thought she meant my heart for some reason!
My world collapsed in an instant and all the plans we'd made faded to dust.
The sonographer explained my options and asked me what I wanted to do but I couldn't think straight and didn't really care what the options were as none of them included me still being pregnant and my baby being alive :(
The next day I went to the hospital and was advised I could let things happen naturally or be admitted to have a medically managed miscarriage. I couldn't cope with prolonging things so we decided I should stay in hospital and we'd postpone our holiday.
The hospital and staff were amazing but the experience was horrible. We both felt completely heartbroken and devastated about the loss of our baby that we already loved so much. Telling our families was awful as they didn't even know we were pregnant and we couldn't tell R what was happening as he's still too young to understand.
We did end up getting a last minute flight to join our friends on holiday as felt that was the best place for us to recover and regroup - a peaceful location with best friends around us to help us heal. Times like this make me feel so appreciative of our wonderful family and friends. And of course more than everything, so extremely grateful for our beautiful, funny, clever and caring little boy who, despite being a handful, we love more than anything in the world. I hope he gets to have a little brother or sister one day but maybe it's just not meant to be.
My thoughts go out to everyone who's experienced the loss of a baby or child. It's the worst thing in the world but they will always live on in our hearts.